About Mom

A member of the sandwich generation, I’ve been wrestling with my place sandwiched between mom and the kids for years, trying to be available to everyone who needs me and taking care of myself when it works.

Well, my sandwich is about to become open-faced.

Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer a week and a half ago, and now she lives with us. Hospice has been brought on board, so now we wait.

It’s weird, knowing that your mom is dying when she’s not aware. Sure, she’s awake and talking and still eating and drinking and watching tv (so. much. tv), but dementia is the worst and she hasn’t really been herself for quite some time. I’ve told her three times that she’s dying, and one of my brothers has told her once or twice, but it doesn’t stick. Small favors I suppose.

But I know she’s dying, and I’m the one tasked with helping her through this last stage. It’s not that I’ve been abandoned by the siblings – far from it! But I made the call for her to move here instead of a nursing home and that means that I’m the one to handle the day-to-day. It was my choice. Mom has had many challenges in her life and I refuse to abandon her at the end. I know that we’ve made the right call, but the right call is really, really hard.

Every single day I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I’m not spending all of my time with her because I need to work. I feel guilty that I’m not working when I’m with her. It’s just a blanket of guilt surrounding me at every moment. I’m stretched so thinly, trying to keep everyone happy while my chest tightens and the bags under my eyes turn into suitcases. I feel guilty when I look at my Peloton (that I LOVE) because I’m already late and I still need to lay out her clothes and get her tea and maybe microwave a frozen breakfast burrito for myself. Shouldn’t I be able to wake up early and hop on the bike? I mean, daylight savings time…amiright? But no. I’m tired and I just want to stay under the blanket a little while longer.

So why am I telling you? I suppose it’s just to have a record of what’s happening and how it all goes down. It’s because a lot of us will have to deal with this at some point, and we all handle it differently. It’s because no matter how much support you have, you still feel alone, so you throw it out into the ether and see what takes.

So 3-6 months per the docs, but maybe not really, and no one can give you an answer to the only question you have.

I’ll see you again soon.

cvb