The Rally

The cruelest part of watching someone you love die from an illness is the rally.

There’s this whole thing about how at some point in the dying process, it’s not unusual for the patient to spring back and act more like themselves when they were well. Chatty, alert, less forgetful. It’s a moment, or day, or week or however long that’s just enough that you start to feel hope. You start to think that maybe the doctors were wrong. That the tumor isn’t inoperable and that it isn’t really some weird cancer and that you get your mom back.

I’m pragmatic. A realist even. But when I tell you that this past week all I could think was that maybe mom was coming back to me, it felt so…odd. I know that no one makes it out, and that she’s a 79-year old woman who is physically disabled with dementia and cancer.

My head knows that the 6 different doctors we saw in the course of 36 hours are correct. I’ve read the reports from the tests the very best way that a non-medical professional can, with the help of Dr. Google. But my heart still wants to go back a decade to before mom’s memory got really bad, when dad was gone and she felt free and adventurous.

I spoke with our hospice nurse Felicia (who is absolutely fantastic!), and explained that I understand that happy, social mom is a result of having the family all around last weekend (my mom LOVES her family), but maybe there actually is a chance? Felicia let me know that no, this is what it is, in the kindest way possible.

So I’m working to take advantage of the time, while she begins to sleep a bit more, laying in her room with her, talking when she wakes up. It’s the same conversations, over and over and over. It can be tedious, and I feel guilty for resenting having the same conversations. I remain upbeat in her presence, because what benefit is it to her to have me moaning and wailing? There are plans to make, but they’re all open-ended, and though I am absolutely not wishing for her demise, the waiting game is hard, especially for a planner.

The rally is great, but it also really sucks.

Christine